Thursday, 22 January 2015


Christmas 2014
I suppose that this is actually us coming full circle.

I sat across from the boy that I loved for 3 chaotic years. This time around, I am really smiling.

“Loved.”  Very few people understand the victory of claiming feelings in the past tense.

My grandmother used to own a view master and she made it a thing between us that whenever I behaved properly, I'll get to use it. Considering the kid that I was, it was especially momentous every time I get to look through it, it was my introduction to a different kind of story telling, wordless but still alive and complete and new. Sitting across from the boy I loved for 3 chaotic years last Christmas, was just like looking into a view master. Snippets of the past flashed before my eyes, every shared glance, every touch, every promise, every ridiculous gestures, every unsettled fight, every freaking break up and getting back again, only to end up in that cafe on a cold Christmas night. He kept fidgeting while I sip my hot red velvet drink. I stared down at my hands for a good 2 second and was reminded how it used to get so clammy and moist because of the butterflies brought by his presence. "Used to." Man, this night is peppered with past tenses.

Empty small talks- 'How are you's' and 'What up with this and that's'- collection of words that don't really accomplish anything. Maybe I was just too bored and that night was a misguided decision of trying to at least doing something (anything) that day.

"Want to go somewhere?" His voice cracked with hesitation and with a pause he tried using the same smile I've swoon for for years. I just had to laugh, the annoyed kind while shaking my head, "Nope. I can't. I have work in about 5 hours." He stared and contemplated at my answer, wondering perhaps if I am really refusing him. I stared back and smiled even bigger. "So what are we here for then?" his voice still testy. I stared down once again at my almost empty coffee cup and drank the rest, "You just bought me something to drink. We  had small talk. We are smiling at each other. We are trying to be friends here. So how about you take me home now?" He was confused and for a split moment I thought that he'll stand up and leave, but he didn't, after knowing him for 6 years he finally stayed at a right moment.

2 hours after Christmas day 2014
I was standing on a street 2 blocks away from my house, facing the boy I loved for 3 chaotic years. I touched his face and this time around I am really smiling.

“Loved.”  Very few people understand the victory of claiming feelings in the past tense.

I gave him a quick hug. "Thank you," I said.

I walked away first and I knew I am alive.

**long overdue, D is sorry, please accept her apology**


  1. There's always that one boy who will break us. And as an emotera, I am one of the few who understand the victory of claiming feelings in the past tense. That was lovely. You must let me use that line one of these days.

    And don't be sorry! With the holidays, I was late with my post too! Haha hope u had a great new year's!

    1. Yes that one boy :) Emoteras unite!

      I just learned a new word, it's Russian:

      RAZBLIUTO, noun
      -The sentimental feeling you have about someone you once loved, but no longer do.

      I guess that's the exact same feeling I was feeling last Christmas, and it's nice to finally getting the chance to deal with it.

      Yep, climbed a mountain a day after New Year's, so it's pretty good.

  2. I have to read this over and over again. I think I have to write something about the boy who broke me.

    Here's to understanding the victory of claiming feelings in the past tense! :D

    1. People who broke us should be commemorated once in a while. If you ever indeed write about him, send me a link please. I would love to read it.

      *hypothetically raising my non-alcoholic drink* cheers :D


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