On the 29th of March

I opened my eyes on this day to my father rustling through my wallet and only to find out that I am 300 bucks short. In less than 5 minutes my day is ruined without me doing anything yet. He must need that high so badly for his eyes are almost bulging out and his hands are trembling. He smelled really bad, almost dead like. I jumped out of bed and started screaming. 2 hours later no money was recovered and I am exhausted and really upset.

This day wasn't supposed to start that way, but things got out of hand and I can only do so much in keeping everything together. My juggling prowess is not kicking in, so I guess I just have to see how things will go. 

Dear E, exactly a year ago today I saw you again and you threw off what little balance I was maintaining in my life. You reintroduced excitement and passion back in my routine and for once you made me stop and think if I am doing enough with the time that I have. A year ago, I found my self sitting across from you in a little Italian restaurant on Maginhawa and was speechless when the thought that I like this human being in front of me hit me. Then begin my first ever summer fling. It's probably just nothing for you but with the extremely gullible and innately conservative girl like me, the whole experience carved something out of my being that will require some time regaining back.

I loved the giddy feeling that went down my spine when you politely rejected an out of town trip with your friends because we have something planned to do together earlier. I smiled to my self as you said it yourself that that day is reserved, for me. The view atop Mt. Batulao improved hundred folds and the trek down wasn't so bad too. Looking back now, that girl that climbed down that mountain with you was no longer the same.

This might be creepy but while we were in Baguio, I was already contemplating of 5 years into the future, where I will be waking you up with the aroma of coffee coupled with the early day's promise. I'll raise chickens and perhaps make a living out of them. I'll relocate in Laguna if you feel that teaching there is the profession you are searching for. I'll look forward to breakfast together. I'll keep a vegetable garden and put aside plot of soil for herbs, I know how you love basil. I daydreamed of a future together while your arms were around me, fast asleep and warm. I should have known that it was stupid because less than 24 hours after we came back to Manila you pulled a disappearing act. 

You publicly put your arms around me during that Wan Kar Wai movie marathon we did, while your other hand was submerged in the bowl of pop corn I just made. It made me feel that that was something I could get used to and that I can incorporate it in my lazy afternoons. It felt so normal, like we've been doing it for the rest of my life. Your roommate stirred in his bed and I gave him a cautious look only to see him staring at us with a knowing smile plastered on his face. You were so nonchalant then, like it's no big deal. I felt that that was you openly claiming us. How utterly clueless D. 

Your last real message to me was a command of leaving you out of anything that I will ever write. And for a couple of months I did. I sulked on my own and cried myself to sleep as quietly as possible. But after months of silence you came back in October and made me feel once again  you needed me. And this really dumb girl believed, again. That one was on me, my bad. 

E, when 2015 kicked in I ascended on the top of Pico de Loro. It will probably remain as one of the things that made me feel so alive. The cold gust of wind woke up every fiber in my body and I decided then that it'll be the year that I will climb at least one mountain top every month. I was successful with the first 2 months, but for March I'll be overcoming a mountain of a different kind. I have decided that this will be the last time I will wallow over you and our what could have been. On this day, exactly a year after I saw with my 2 eyes how carelessly I fell, I will give myself the closure I deserved. You are not coming back. The sting of those words are long gone and the numbing void that follows it will eventually disappear too. You are not coming back, and even if you are things will no longer be the same. We are no longer the same. And though the memory of your kiss still wakes me up in the middle of the night, it's happening less and less now. 

E you were the dream. Okay, at the very core you were the dream, modified with flaws that added to your charm. You were the thing that I wanted even before I knew that I wanted it. And I wanted you too much for my own good. And for that I am sorry, I am. I will relish today E, with us apart. And I do regret some things. but Arthur Miller said that maybe all that we can hope for is to end up with the right regrets. I'll just have to find out if you are a right regret.

 I am never really great with goodbyes, they are messy. 'Till then's' are too hopeful. I will  just stop here.