A Look Back: Hey Yow, BaguioW!

I have been told that I have a very bad habit of constantly looking back in the past and feeling sad about it. It is extremely wasteful and not to mention a mood-spoiling routine, but I can't help it. There is this beautiful shade of something unreachable that blankets memories like this one, especially with the kind where you and I are both happy (or so I thought).

Hit Follow (Para kay Bernardo Bernardo na si Bernardo Carpio pala)

Ikaw,

2 taon na mula nang huli tayong umakyat ng bundok, nakita ko kanina sa facebook "On This Day" ko, paborito kang feature nun eh, grabe 2 yearsssss! Di ako makapaniwala, ang bilis ng mga taon, parang di naman din kasi I think last month lang nag-dra-drama pa rin ako over a memory of you, haha. Oh wells.

Yes, your Ukes. Picture taken without permission. Go ahead sue me, tapos babalikan kita ng demanda dun sa 500 na utang mo sa akin at sa 500 na di mo rin ibinalik nung nag-Baguio tayo at para sa damages ng puso kong wasak for the last 2 years. Siraulo ka. Ay di, joke lang, supposedly positive post to eh. Hahaha. 

To salvage this day (Post-"Mahabang Gabi: Una sa Tatlo")

So much immaturity in this post, I can't handle it.

Okay. Facebook's "On This Day" app officially sucks. 

I stared at this page for a good 1 hour, trying to conjure something that would make sense. I couldn't find anything. Paano ba pababalatan ng mga katanggap-tanggap na salita ang katotohanang wala ring nangyari sa ating dalawa.

Itutulog ko na lang ulit ito.

8th of 11: A Pang of Something

To be honest the whole idea of the "X of 11" is to document the 10 days leading to my birthday and to establish an actual record of what I am doing on those days. Currently it's either super boring or depressingly dark, and when I try something else it doesn't make much sense to me. Hahaha, I don't know why I do these things anyway. Meh, for internet existence! Here goes another one.

This Time Last Year I Couldn't Sleep Beside You

(Intended date of Publication: April 18, 2015, but life took over)

So I traveled to get to you, it was late and we are both tired.  What made me smile was the fact that you waited for me.
I lay on bed next to you for the first time, and I am fully awake. I am too aware of your breathing and the every beat of your heart.
At the crack of dawn, you hands found me. The right hand on my shoulders, enveloping me and trying to coax slumber to arrive, while your left hand was on my hair, petting me like a cat. I am a picture of contentment.
In less than 24 hours the next day I tasted your lips on mine. Your lips is a fountain I wanted to drown myself into.
I miss you today. I miss you most days actually, but today I will be saying it out loud, and so my dear let me write about you

On the 29th of March

I opened my eyes on this day to my father rustling through my wallet and only to find out that I am 300 bucks short. In less than 5 minutes my day is ruined without me doing anything yet. He must need that high so badly for his eyes are almost bulging out and his hands are trembling. He smelled really bad, almost dead like. I jumped out of bed and started screaming. 2 hours later no money was recovered and I am exhausted and really upset.

This day wasn't supposed to start that way, but things got out of hand and I can only do so much in keeping everything together. My juggling prowess is not kicking in, so I guess I just have to see how things will go. 

Fire crackers

The morning after our first kiss I wrote to someone how it felt "like firecrackers, suddenly there then gone and back again." I should have seen it all coming, but I was so mesmerized with your glow and alive with your presence that I didn't mind that it'll be just for a moment.

Baka sa Hardware meron

Naaalala ko noong bata pa ako, na sa tuwing magpapabili ang tatay ko ng sigarilyo ang lagi kong itinatanong ay "saan?" at ang lagin nyang sagot na may kasamang yamot ay "baka sa hardware meron," Syempre noon mas mayayamot ako sa kanya kapag ginaganito nya ako, effective kasi ang paraan nya ng pagpapa-intindi sa akin na walang saysay yung tanong ko, swerte pa kung walang kasamang hampas yun, parang hataw ng martilyo na pilit ipinababaon ang kaalaman na sana ay dapat matik ko nang alam. Isang beses sinubukan ko ngang bumili ng Hope ni Papa sa pinakamalapit na hardware, ayun di na ako nakabili may pasa pang bonus dahil sa palo. At ang tanong nya kasabay ng bawat hagupit ng sinturon ay, "anong pinapatunayan mo? Simpleng bagay di mo pa alam?"

Bente-singko na ako at kani-kanina lang napagtanto ko na baka para pa rin akong bata na parang pinipilit bumili ng sigarilyo sa hardware store at ano ang nahita ko? Heto, panay latay. May mga bagay akong hinahanap sa maling lugar o iniisip ko na may matino akong bagay na mkikita sa lugar kung saan di available ang bagay na matitino, tapos magugulat ako sa huli kung bakit ang miserable ko lang.

Cheese Stick Pesto or Classic Pandesal

It was a little after 5 in the afternoon and the sky promises of rain; I'm worried. I reread the last sms you sent and grunted, the gnawing sensation in the pit of my stomach is over-taking me and soon after a decision was made. I gathered my things, finished whatever I can and took note of the tasks that will have to wait till the next day. I calculated the time; if I leave at 6, I can reach your place a little after 8, I can go back to Manila 10 at the latest and still make it to our rehearsal that usually drag on till the wee hours of the night. I tried containing this unnamed feeling that started swelling in me after the decision was made. Whatever may happen, this will be the first time that I'll be seeing you properly after almost 5 months of absence. 

"Whatever happened to us?" 

I shoved down this thought somewhere deep in my unconscious, if I dwell on it I may not be able to control the shivering in my muscles and the mixture of panic and excitement that is about to burst out from my mouth. I try to limit the expectations, whatever mess we are both in won't be fixed with just one surprise visit. It won't be that easy and it will require you clarifying the murky waters of whatever it is going on between us, or not. 

Thoughts on August 23rd

1. Birthday mo ngayon, di kita mabati kahit gustung-gusto ko. Siguro ang comforting thought na lang sa akin ay ang katotohanang di ikaw o ang kaarawan mo ang unang naisip ko pagdilat kanina, kundi sa wakas ay nakatulog ako ng sapat.

2. Nakatabi pa rin sa tokador ko ang mga necktie na dapat sana'y ireregalo ko sa pagpasa mo sa Master's program sa so called dream school mo. Hindi ko na naibigay noong umakyat tayo ng Baguio, sa dami kasi ng ginawa natin ay nakaligtaan ko na. Naisip ko na ihabol na lang para sa kaarawan mo, ngunit mukhang mananatili na lang sila sa tokador ko at mag-iipon ng alikabok.

Going Places: Bataan 1st Solo trip (Mt. Samat and Dunsulan Falls)

BATAAN GREEN LANDS

BACK STORY (because I need one)

I've always been envious of people who regularly go on  trips and just have an adventure. They post all of these pictures and experiences and I find myself on the side walk, just eating my heart out. With all that happened to me in the recent months I started craving to go to different places, however the fear of going alone fazed me. I constantly think that a lot of things can go wrong and that I may not be capable of going on a solo trip, however upon reading travel blogs I realized that like me (or somehow like me), they were beginners too, and the only thing different is that they took the first step in what is now a trend of young professionals who are more open to travelling and chasing down the opportunities of new experiences. Here's my feeble attempt.

“I will remember the kisses 

our lips raw with love 

and how you gave me 

everything you had 

and how I 

offered you what was left of 

me, 

and I will remember your small room 

the feel of you 

the light in the window 

your records 

your books 

our morning coffee 

our noons our nights 

our bodies spilled together 

sleeping 

the tiny flowing currents 

immediate and forever 

your leg my leg 

your arm my arm 

your smile and the warmth 

of you 

who made me laugh 

again.”

—	Charles Bukowski