A letter to the boy

Dear You,

The last time we saw each other, you told me where you work. Surprisingly, it is just a few blocks away from my own employment. I obsessed with this idea for nearly a month now, the very thought of you near me was too intoxicating that it even inspired me to step out of my building and actually walk around and do errands. Who knows? I might even bump into you. I struggled not to google your exact location, that is just too creepy and stalker-ish, and I've been down that road before, with you too, it was ugly. And for the past week this is what I've come to realize, we exist apart from each other. Or rather, you exist even without me, while I just float, keeping appearance for the sake of other people who expect me to do so. The idea itself is painful. The loneliness that once haunted me whenever you are not around is present again. We could be walking on the same street, with me desperately locating anyone that resembles you, while you are probably just too eager to get home, not a single thought devoted to me.

When I was younger, I read this book by Ricky Lee. In it he said, that love follows a certain quota that with every 5 people who love only 1 gets to be really happy, the rest either love those who don’t love them, or would love without learning or would love nothing, or would never love at all. Of course, the idealistic me cannot sit with this idea, I cry a loud “Unfair!” and could not just accept it. I thought then that we all have a fighting chance with love, that we can freely choose and be happy with the choices and people we want to live the rest of their lives with. And of course, I was wrong. Things are far more complicated than that. I learned, bitterly, that just because you want someone or something, doesn’t mean you’ll get them.

I met up with my ex-boyfriend about two weeks ago. I was cocky to be honest. I thought that not seeing him after almost 3 years mended all the brokenness in me. I thought of a lot of things, till he started talking about regrets and things said and done. These made me sad, because all them are in the past, beyond my reach and irrevocable. I thought about the 19 year old me, how she is so different from the person that I am today. I remember the confidence, the carefree tossing backward of head while laughing, having no concern with the issues of the future. I remember that younger version of myself also saying, quite defiantly if I may add, that “I am prepared to be hurt, it’s not love if I am afraid of pain. It’s okay to have my heart broken, especially when it’s him breaking it.” I want to smack that kid’s head now. Her carelessness and recklessness resulted to this sorry version of a person I am today. Because now, whenever friends quiz me with questions regarding love, commitment and “going out there”, I feel nothing. I thought of times that maybe I am done with this whole business of ending up with someone. That maybe, this, the now that I have, is my preparation to spinsterhood. The notion seems ridiculous, but that is how I feel now. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t switched teams, I’m still for dudes and it’s not like there are no instances wherein someone will come around and show some interest. It’s just whenever someone does show or express interest, all I feel is indifference. I can comprehend the proposition, but I cannot relate to it, it feels so alien to me.