A Look Back: Hey Yow, BaguioW!

I have been told that I have a very bad habit of constantly looking back in the past and feeling sad about it. It is extremely wasteful and not to mention a mood-spoiling routine, but I can't help it. There is this beautiful shade of something unreachable that blankets memories like this one, especially with the kind where you and I are both happy (or so I thought).

Melchor

“You are nothing like her...,” is what your card said. It sat atop my old moss green luggage, waiting for me to do something about it. I entered your apartment in a daze, confused with the bareness of it, with just the clatter of the keys echoing, welcoming me. Empty and discarded, with everything that once brought it life, gone. And like a lost kid, waiting for me amidst its emptiness is my old luggage. It looked so out of place in all that space. I wanted to hug it; or rather I wanted it to hug me. Desperate times call out for desperate measures, doesn't it?

“You are nothing…”

This already feels like a nightmare

UP Writers' Night

So pumunta ako sa UP Writers' Night kagabi...at marami akong napagtanto:

1. I'm hopeless sa pagbabasa kay Google Map, I understand directions much better kung galing sa tao with landmarks and all, wag lang basta "take a left here and a right there..."

2. For her: Yes dear, malapit ang UP Executive House sa College of Architecture, mas madaling tumbukin yung daan from kay Oble kesa magmula sa C.P Garcia (o baka naman yung isa pang Executive House yun, may dalawa daw kayo sa Diliman eh) tapos lakad ng kaunti at may 3 nagsasangang daan, Lakandula ata yun tapos Kalaw and then isang diretso, di ko maalala yung name pero dumiretso ako. Madadaanan yung Archi Building, tapos diretso lang and then a right, may makikita kang sort of barrier, follow the trail upward at yun na yung UP Executive House.

Cheese Stick Pesto or Classic Pandesal

It was a little after 5 in the afternoon and the sky promises of rain; I'm worried. I reread the last sms you sent and grunted, the gnawing sensation in the pit of my stomach is over-taking me and soon after a decision was made. I gathered my things, finished whatever I can and took note of the tasks that will have to wait till the next day. I calculated the time; if I leave at 6, I can reach your place a little after 8, I can go back to Manila 10 at the latest and still make it to our rehearsal that usually drag on till the wee hours of the night. I tried containing this unnamed feeling that started swelling in me after the decision was made. Whatever may happen, this will be the first time that I'll be seeing you properly after almost 5 months of absence. 

"Whatever happened to us?" 

I shoved down this thought somewhere deep in my unconscious, if I dwell on it I may not be able to control the shivering in my muscles and the mixture of panic and excitement that is about to burst out from my mouth. I try to limit the expectations, whatever mess we are both in won't be fixed with just one surprise visit. It won't be that easy and it will require you clarifying the murky waters of whatever it is going on between us, or not. 

Late night texts to early morning calls

Me (Oct. 27, 2014; 11:56pm): Tapos dami mong ginawa pa ngayong araw?

You (Oct.27, 2014; 11:58pm): Sakto lang.

Kapag ganito ang usapan natin medyo nawawalan ako ng gana. Alam mo namang parang nababanat na goma ang mga araw ko at ang papuslit-puslit nating palitang ng mga mensahe ang isa sa pinakahihintay ko, tapos mamukat-mukat ko ganito lang ang mga nilalaman noon. So ano ang gagawin ko? Matutulog. Di ko na pinipilit pigilin dahil nakakapagod i-maintain ang kasigasigan sa mga pag-uusap natin sa tuwing ang sagot mo ay "Okay." "Haha." ":)" "Sakto." "Ah." lang naman. 

Pero kahit ganoon, sa tuwing magigising ako ng alas-4 ng umaga at makikita kong may bago kang mensahe, kahit gaano pa kapayak yan ay sasagot ako. 

Me (Oct. 28, 2014; 4:15am): Good morning

You (Oct.28, 2014; 4:22am): Tawag ka.

Mahabang gabi (Una sa Tatlo)

     Nakisiksik ako sa dami ng mga pauwing tao nang araw na iyon. Holiday kinabukasan, kaya naman ganoon na lang ang pagmamadali ng lahat na makauwi ng maaga o pumunta sa kung saan man sila pupunta. Sapo-sapo ko ang paper bag na kinalalagyan ng pasalubong ko saiyo mula Boracay, lukot na at unti-unting dumurumi dahil sa polusyon ng Metro Manila. Kauuwi mo lamang mula sa malapit na probinsya kung saan ka nagtuturo sa kolehiyo, magpapasa ng mga requirements sa University na gusto mong pasukan para sa Masters Degree na matagal mo nang nais kunin. Nagsabi ka ng mga gagawin mo sa buong maghapon, “…pupunta sa” dito at doon at “…kikitain ang ilang kaibigan mula..” sa ganito at ganyan. Bahagya akong nalungkot at mabilis na kinagalitan ang sarili sa pagiging mapaghanap. Wala naman tayong usapan ng araw na iyon na magkikita, umasa lang ako ng bahagya na makikita ka tutal ay nasa lungsod ka naman ng mga panahong iyon. Natunugan mo yata ang pagtamlay ko kahit sa text lang tayo nag-uusap, kaya’t naging malambing ang mga susunod nating palitan ng mensahe.

A PAGE OFF FROM MY JOURNAL: Surviving College, Student Orgs Edition

     Joining a student organization is said to be one of the essential experiences when you are studying in College. You know what I mean, fresh out of high school, you find yourself in a somewhat foreign place, far from the comfort of some of your closest high school friends and bombarded by this weird lifestyle called College. And out of nowhere come these student organizations with all of their offerings on how to fit in better in this new academic battle ground.

     My introduction to student orgs, as most call them, went a bit too meticulous. When I was just a freshman in College I joined a student organization that passed all the requirements I was looking for which are, first t must contribute something to my studies but is still considerably fun. Secondly, it should in no way resemble a fraternity or would require some sort of hazing as their initiation process. And lastly, one that would not require most of my time. I landed with an org that focuses on counselling and facilitation training, skills that I deem would be beneficial for me as a psychology student.

9 to 25: Plip-Plop of Raindrops and The Loss of Gilas

I arrived early at the arranged place where we would meet. I left the office as soon as I could because I already anticipated that the rush hour coupled with the heavy rain would only result to an unbearable traffic. We must have an hour headway if I want to make it to the screening. I told her that we have to meet at 6:30pm at a Mall, a popular stop, just near the train station, take a jeepney to the University theater and we could purchase the ticket for the screening with plenty of time to grab something to eat while watching the film.

6:25pm, I called her cellphone, wondering what time she left the house, her mother picked up telling me that she left about 10 minutes ago without the phone. Geeze, now I'm worried. I tried to push the dread down, fighting the thought that we might not be able to locate each other with the crowd by the entrance of the mall thickening every minute. I decided to give her 30 minutes considering that the traffic will be slow paced as compared to the 8-10 minute that it'll normally take from her house to where I am. She's not a child anymore I know, but thinking how upset she'll get if we didn't meet is just a bothersome thought.

10 to 25: Ponderings

I shall stop saying one thing and do just the opposite. I am a mighty hypocrite at times and I will stop being one or at least die trying. I have to turn things around, and try really hard on working on the things that truly matter, it'll save me the heart aches in the end.

11 to 25: Cinemalaya X Goes to UP

Beyond the high school vibe and the rosy hue that only a first love can cast, "1st ko si 3rd" takes a closer look at an ageing woman's perspective on life in general, her idiosyncrasies, her marriage and her fight against cruel time. It also reiterate that great things demand sacrifice and persistence. Real Florido's story-telling was upbeat and uncomplicated, and the realism of it all is just heart breaking. A movie that would remind you that even old people are indeed, and still people too.

That Awkward Moment When...

(1) Your supposed childhood nemesis (like the really bad kind) is sort of trying to be friends with you. - "Or are we friends already? I seriously do not know how to react to the unnecessary and unexpected skinship."

(2) The guy you (unconsciously) friendzoned is revisiting that dark past in front of his family (again!). - "To which I shabbily dodge by changing the topic into lame ones."

Thoughts on August 23rd

1. Birthday mo ngayon, di kita mabati kahit gustung-gusto ko. Siguro ang comforting thought na lang sa akin ay ang katotohanang di ikaw o ang kaarawan mo ang unang naisip ko pagdilat kanina, kundi sa wakas ay nakatulog ako ng sapat.

2. Nakatabi pa rin sa tokador ko ang mga necktie na dapat sana'y ireregalo ko sa pagpasa mo sa Master's program sa so called dream school mo. Hindi ko na naibigay noong umakyat tayo ng Baguio, sa dami kasi ng ginawa natin ay nakaligtaan ko na. Naisip ko na ihabol na lang para sa kaarawan mo, ngunit mukhang mananatili na lang sila sa tokador ko at mag-iipon ng alikabok.

Going Places: Bataan 1st Solo trip (Mt. Samat and Dunsulan Falls)

BATAAN GREEN LANDS

BACK STORY (because I need one)

I've always been envious of people who regularly go on  trips and just have an adventure. They post all of these pictures and experiences and I find myself on the side walk, just eating my heart out. With all that happened to me in the recent months I started craving to go to different places, however the fear of going alone fazed me. I constantly think that a lot of things can go wrong and that I may not be capable of going on a solo trip, however upon reading travel blogs I realized that like me (or somehow like me), they were beginners too, and the only thing different is that they took the first step in what is now a trend of young professionals who are more open to travelling and chasing down the opportunities of new experiences. Here's my feeble attempt.

Isang Milyon at Isang Posibilidad

So I am currently reading Ricky Lee's "Si Amapola sa 65 na Kabanata", di ko madalas binabasa ang ganitong klaseng libro, out of my comfort zone sya pero in fairness holding pa rin. Anyway, dun sa libro may nabanggit tungkol sa isang milyong posibilidad, at dahil sa mga nangyayari sa akin recently, napaisip din ako sa isang milyon at isa kong mga posibilidad. Sa sobrang dami, nakakalula na.

To get everything started

Mahigit dalawang buwan akong nagmukmok, at nagkimkim, at nag-inarte, at nagdrama, pero sa tingin ko gaya ng nasabi ko na noon, kailangan kong ilabas ang nararamdaman ko nang mas sistematiko at baka after noon ay magiging maayos na ako. So for once, I'll let myself be selfish, the rest of the world is anyway.

You led me on a**hole. Di yan himutok, plain statement lang. Di ko ugaling magmura, profanity feels unnatural coming out of my mouth, pero gaya din ng ibang tao may mga pagkakataong nakaka-relieve ang pagmumura ng mga mabibigat, ay tila may nabawas nga sa bigat na nararamdaman ko, kaso kahit ang gawin yun ng tuloy-tuloy ay di ko magawa, gusto pa din nga yata kita. Pero totoo nga, pinaasa mo ako. Di naman ako naghanap ng kahit ano, madalas na kausap lang  ang nais ko, at bilang matagal na tayong magkakilala ay di ako nag-alangan na makipag-usap saiyo.

“I will remember the kisses 

our lips raw with love 

and how you gave me 

everything you had 

and how I 

offered you what was left of 

me, 

and I will remember your small room 

the feel of you 

the light in the window 

your records 

your books 

our morning coffee 

our noons our nights 

our bodies spilled together 

sleeping 

the tiny flowing currents 

immediate and forever 

your leg my leg 

your arm my arm 

your smile and the warmth 

of you 

who made me laugh 

again.”

—	Charles Bukowski

Let's talk Satire

     The Miriam-Webster Dictionary defined satire as  "a way of using humor to show that someone or something is foolish, weak, bad, etc; or it is a kind of humor that shows the weaknesses or bad qualities of a person, government, society, etc." With the Filipinos' affinity with the use of humor as a coping mechanism, the use of satire is definitely something that is gaining popularity in our modern age.

    Satirical news portals such as "So, What's News" is a good example. It is an accessible source of political news and issues broken down and presented in a different way, the ridiculous way. These kinds of news sources shed a different light over the daily serving of gore and disappointments that is headline news. In a way, the use of humor helps the common Pinoy deal with all the heartbreaking realities that are ever present in his life. If one thinks about it, it so much like staring the ugliness in the face and laughing at it.

Updates with some great news :)

Hello cyber people that I love. I actually miss talking to you guys, everything has been really crazy in a good way :)

Work- I am still working for this realty documentation company, and I am happy to say that I am finally adjusting (well I better be after 2 years, right?). I still eat alone during lunch breaks but it is mostly because I am the only one who packs her lunch here, and I engage more often now with my co-workers. We are on a friendly interactions now, that or I just finally stopped caring. I am taking it all as positively as possible. 

     I also returned to my first Korean tutoring company, the adjustment back to the 5 am shift is slow but I am managing. It also helps that I actually like this job, that and that I am pretty good at it (hopefully not sounding too proud). 

Family- My younger brother and I managed to patch things up, with him having a baby and all that, a feud would not serve the two of us any good. My youngest brother will be finally attending College this June, which I am really excited for, because I really want him to have a secure future. I am all good with both of my parents, however Papa and I tend to argue from time to time. 

Spiritual Life- We will be having a big production in Church later this year which I am so stoked about. I have been praying for this for years actually, and it’s here finally. Rehearsals are keeping me busy, but when you are laboring for the Lord, you don’t really notice it. You will sleep with a smile on your face. I am also striving for a consistent personal time with the Lord every morning. I want to be as involve with Him as He is with me. I fail, most of the time, but the enormity of His love for me overshadows any fault I may have and only causes me to move forward. Please pray for me to continue on this. 

Personal Life- I recently started dating someone. Even while typing this brings smile to my face (and now I can’t get rid of it :D), he is an old friend I met during my competitive writing phase back in High School. I am praying that the Lord use me in his life, and that regardless if this works out with him or not, that I will come out of it stronger in Him, with faith progressing. I have been spending a lot of time with him recently, and I am trying really hard not to be distracted with the things that are important (Faith, Family, Friends and me). 

    I am also sort of trying to fulfill some self-set goals declared years ago. Some that are on the top of my head is to learn to swim and to learn how to play the guitar. They seem to be really trivial stuff, but they were sort of my frustrations ever since I could remember, and I am pushing for the actualization of these goals (finally!). 

    I have been saving too! Yey! I downloaded this 50 pesos saving scheme last year, and I have been successful so far, keeping with the schedule and the amount to be deposited. It is my goal for next year to have the liberty to travel without the burden of financial worries. And I can only do that if I save up now. 

I’d like to think that I am moving forward with life (thank God!) and that I am easing into adulthood slowly but surely. This is so self absorbed of me to act as if I have an audience to read this, hahaha but I can’t help it. Take it as a trace I leave in this enormous world. :D So how are you guys?

A letter to the boy

Dear You,

The last time we saw each other, you told me where you work. Surprisingly, it is just a few blocks away from my own employment. I obsessed with this idea for nearly a month now, the very thought of you near me was too intoxicating that it even inspired me to step out of my building and actually walk around and do errands. Who knows? I might even bump into you. I struggled not to google your exact location, that is just too creepy and stalker-ish, and I've been down that road before, with you too, it was ugly. And for the past week this is what I've come to realize, we exist apart from each other. Or rather, you exist even without me, while I just float, keeping appearance for the sake of other people who expect me to do so. The idea itself is painful. The loneliness that once haunted me whenever you are not around is present again. We could be walking on the same street, with me desperately locating anyone that resembles you, while you are probably just too eager to get home, not a single thought devoted to me.

When I was younger, I read this book by Ricky Lee. In it he said, that love follows a certain quota that with every 5 people who love only 1 gets to be really happy, the rest either love those who don’t love them, or would love without learning or would love nothing, or would never love at all. Of course, the idealistic me cannot sit with this idea, I cry a loud “Unfair!” and could not just accept it. I thought then that we all have a fighting chance with love, that we can freely choose and be happy with the choices and people we want to live the rest of their lives with. And of course, I was wrong. Things are far more complicated than that. I learned, bitterly, that just because you want someone or something, doesn’t mean you’ll get them.

I met up with my ex-boyfriend about two weeks ago. I was cocky to be honest. I thought that not seeing him after almost 3 years mended all the brokenness in me. I thought of a lot of things, till he started talking about regrets and things said and done. These made me sad, because all them are in the past, beyond my reach and irrevocable. I thought about the 19 year old me, how she is so different from the person that I am today. I remember the confidence, the carefree tossing backward of head while laughing, having no concern with the issues of the future. I remember that younger version of myself also saying, quite defiantly if I may add, that “I am prepared to be hurt, it’s not love if I am afraid of pain. It’s okay to have my heart broken, especially when it’s him breaking it.” I want to smack that kid’s head now. Her carelessness and recklessness resulted to this sorry version of a person I am today. Because now, whenever friends quiz me with questions regarding love, commitment and “going out there”, I feel nothing. I thought of times that maybe I am done with this whole business of ending up with someone. That maybe, this, the now that I have, is my preparation to spinsterhood. The notion seems ridiculous, but that is how I feel now. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t switched teams, I’m still for dudes and it’s not like there are no instances wherein someone will come around and show some interest. It’s just whenever someone does show or express interest, all I feel is indifference. I can comprehend the proposition, but I cannot relate to it, it feels so alien to me.