Dear You,
The last time we saw each other, you told me where you work. Surprisingly, it is just a few blocks away from my own employment. I obsessed with this idea for nearly a month now, the very thought of you near me was too intoxicating that it even inspired me to step out of my building and actually walk around and do errands. Who knows? I might even bump into you. I struggled not to google your exact location, that is just too creepy and stalker-ish, and I've been down that road before, with you too, it was ugly. And for the past week this is what I've come to realize, we exist apart from each other. Or rather, you exist even without me, while I just float, keeping appearance for the sake of other people who expect me to do so. The idea itself is painful. The loneliness that once haunted me whenever you are not around is present again. We could be walking on the same street, with me desperately locating anyone that resembles you, while you are probably just too eager to get home, not a single thought devoted to me.
I guess it was really a bad idea that we saw each other again after almost 3 years. I had the chance to leave everything as they were, tucked away somewhere far where they can no longer hurt me. I found myself a quiet place where thoughts of you, the memory of your being and idea of the shiver that used to travel down my spine no longer matters. I can welcome them like old friends and we can hang out and smile at the past. But I just couldn't help it, the offer was too delicious to pass on. You're like an addiction I've been trying to recover from without the 12-step program.
And it's not like I want you specifically, I just yearn for the comfortable, and you despite being all wrong for me is still comfortable. I know you, every expectation that will eventually lead to frustration, every promises given thoughtlessly and every risks that I will have to take, I know them like the back of my hand that the pain, no matter what intensity as long as they were borne of you will be entertained as an occupation hazard. I wonder why I haven't really gone out and meet someone, it is not because I still love you, that I am sure. I have yet to understand the why, I guess I am just lonely, that even the idea of being with the wrong person is better than being alone. That is a sad notion.
And now even after I exhausted all the words that I can pour into this letter, this thought will remain with me.
You exist without me without a single thought devoted to me.
Tuesday 18 February 2014
A letter to the boy
A child of God, the eldest of 3, and in a great pursuit of serving her Purpose. She's currently on her quest of ticking off some items from her to-do list, cooking with either Jaime Oliver or Anthony Bourdain, climb the peak of Machu Picchu, learn the traditional way of Filipino paghahabi and go on tour with Cirque de Soleil as a part of their production staff, to name a few.
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Haaaaay.
ReplyDelete*kilig uli*
Allow me to collect myself off the floor, now. Hahaha. Hmm. I get it, now (a little bit), having read of him in a previous post.
But the pains of unrequited love! The stuff that's material of many a play, musical and films!
You ought to sell this to ABS CBN, pronto. Biro lang po.
Still, loving is always good. If it was unreturned, these feelings, in the very least, a lesson awaits you in the end.
If it is, returned, then good for you, and a happy ever after end awaits you, instead.
I don't want to confuse you any further but I think I already have.
DeleteTo keep the record straight, I have only majorly written about 2 men in my life (for the others I've only written about once or twice). This one's about "The Boy" and the other posts are about "The Guy". The latter, before he disappeared told me to never write about him. Of course I couldn't do that so I consented to at least not mentioning his name. The previous is an actual ex-boyfriend of whom I haven't gotten around to properly say goodbye, I thought I did with the entry entitled "Alive" (LOL, shameless plugging).
What I realized about writing about people you loved (once loved or will keep on loving) is that there is no linear story line, the story telling will be in waves and splotches of paint. Some stories will overlap with other people's interaction but that doesn't mean that they are no longer as important as when the story was just unfolding.
Hinding-hindi ko po ibebenta sa ABS-CBN (the Devil's Network) ang mga kuwentong ito, hahaha. Ibabaon ko na lang sa lupa para mas masaya.
I don't think this one's about unrequited love, we love in different forms and the way I loved is just so intense and not on the same level as they did. Ganoon na lang ang iniisip ko para di masyadong masakit. Hahaha.
Nabigla naman po ako sa 5 comments notif sa email ko, wow, you went through all of those posts? Grabe kayo. Salamat po ulit.