When I was younger, I read this book by Ricky Lee. In it he said, that love follows a certain quota that with every 5 people who love only 1 gets to be really happy, the rest either love those who don’t love them, or would love without learning or would love nothing, or would never love at all. Of course, the idealistic me cannot sit with this idea, I cry a loud “Unfair!” and could not just accept it. I thought then that we all have a fighting chance with love, that we can freely choose and be happy with the choices and people we want to live the rest of their lives with. And of course, I was wrong. Things are far more complicated than that. I learned, bitterly, that just because you want someone or something, doesn’t mean you’ll get them.

I met up with my ex-boyfriend about two weeks ago. I was cocky to be honest. I thought that not seeing him after almost 3 years mended all the brokenness in me. I thought of a lot of things, till he started talking about regrets and things said and done. These made me sad, because all them are in the past, beyond my reach and irrevocable. I thought about the 19 year old me, how she is so different from the person that I am today. I remember the confidence, the carefree tossing backward of head while laughing, having no concern with the issues of the future. I remember that younger version of myself also saying, quite defiantly if I may add, that “I am prepared to be hurt, it’s not love if I am afraid of pain. It’s okay to have my heart broken, especially when it’s him breaking it.” I want to smack that kid’s head now. Her carelessness and recklessness resulted to this sorry version of a person I am today. Because now, whenever friends quiz me with questions regarding love, commitment and “going out there”, I feel nothing. I thought of times that maybe I am done with this whole business of ending up with someone. That maybe, this, the now that I have, is my preparation to spinsterhood. The notion seems ridiculous, but that is how I feel now. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t switched teams, I’m still for dudes and it’s not like there are no instances wherein someone will come around and show some interest. It’s just whenever someone does show or express interest, all I feel is indifference. I can comprehend the proposition, but I cannot relate to it, it feels so alien to me.

I guess I have to give myself more time. And time is what I do have now. But whenever I answer with this, people around me seem to think that I am still hung up on the past, and maybe I am. I am still hung up on the pain, and the realization of its effect visible to me now made it all worse. This is what I know, I am not ready yet. People can speculate, but I know myself better than to force me again into another toxic relationship. The Lord has a lot to work on me, and I am giving him full control of the rein to do His job, I don’t have to hurry. As for the quota, I am still not sure if I fall into one of the categories, after all Ricky Lee doesn’t know me and I don’t know him, so I guess it’s not a good idea to be relying purely on a book he wrote. All I know is that we all get a chance at love and it requires work, a lot of it, and it’s also up to us not to mess up with our chances. As the ex stepped out of my sight into the throng of people, I felt lonely again, like so many times I did in the past whenever he decided he can’t handle an “us”, only this time it’s an appropriate loneliness, the one that needs patience to work through. And maybe I won’t care about that stupid quota someday, because it won’t matter. And so till then.