Blueberries on the Side

He handed me the bills and specifically ordered  for a Cheesecake, "The New York Style" he said as he rushed to the bathroom while I look on.

Today, he is wearing blue scrubs, should only be worn inside the clinic if I remember correctly. I made a note to mention this to him, he'll laugh and I'll be shaking my head. Truth be told, I prefer this one over the intern's white he don on every time, this one's more... professional. He'll laugh some more when he hear this.

I settled on the 2nd floor of the right wing of the cafe. It's pretty spacious and new, this cafe. We happened upon the place because it is very near from the Church and a couple of blocks away from the day job, former day job that is. I settle down on the floor and looked out on the buzzing Quezon City night. 

It's getting late and he's tired but one look at me as I shook his hand after the service and he knew, "Pagod? Tara kape." I was quiet on my way here while he made these jokes, silly ones, and sudden poetry recitations. He's obsessing with Lang Leave recently, "very contemporary" I remarked with my still croaky voice, he smiled and continued talking. 

Orders came before he did, a blueberry smoothie for him and a hot cup of hazelnut coffee for me. He laughed when he saw the cheesecake, "Ano yan?" he blurted, merriment laced his every word. Resting on the table is a New York Style Cheesecake with the blueberry toppings on the side, "You know I am very skeptic with blueberries", and he scratched his head, "Wag, choosy ah. You could dip it naman eh. More laughter, as if he is compensating for my lacking of a smile.

                                             

The drinks were halved first and the cheesecake reduced to crumbs before he started asking, "You are not sleeping, are you?" I knew it, an interrogation. "I am sleeping plenty, thank you very much" He waved his hand as he ignored my answer. "You were making noted about the script for the show's next episode at 3 am in the morning while reblogging posts on tumblr. You talk for 16 hours a day as a part of your job and nothing happens, but here you are sounding a lot like my uncle with bags under your eyes down to your cheeks and bloodshot eyes. You are not sleeping." He caught me and so I explained that I want to but I can't. I can't sleep. Anything but sleep. I tried making a case that I do sleep, though in places I shouldn't. I sleep on car drives and commutes. Buses and trains most preferable. I sleep on random sofas, in cafes and in parks. When it got too bad I had my self checked-in in one of those sketchy motels in Cubao, they'll do just fine.

"So, nakakatulog ka basta wag lang sa bahay nyo?" I had to agree, he is keen with details like this and he proceeded to peel away the excuses. I was half expecting he'll offer his house, but we both know that's a bad idea. He asked and asked, and kept on asking. He didn't stop till he understood. "A guy, no, a man. A man is causing you not to sleep." I tried protesting but we both knew that that's not going to work anymore. Time ticked and the drinks grew tepid, fatigue eventually came. "What's the deal with this letter?" He asked as I made my self comfortable with the pillow provided by the cafe. I propped my back in a way he could still see my face while I lay down. I'm tired. The toll of the week flooded me. Eyes suddenly heavy and my voice slowed down as if in a slur. I told him of the unsent letter and the circumstances that surrounded it. How I begged and how I apologized, how much screaming internally I did and how I can't really explain the hurt. "Even now, while lying here, I hurt. What can I do?" I closed my eyes and suddenly very sleepy, I managed to murmur, "Wake me up at midnight dear, I have to be there when Mama turns in her sleep." I set up the alarm and he let me drift off.

                       

My dreamless sleep was interrupted by the buzzing of my phone. I first saw the sky, painted so beautifully black outside the window. A deep breath and I rose from the spot, I saw the wonderboy sleeping about a foot away from where I am, curled up, looking like a blue ball. I let a small laugh escape me and cringe a bit because of the pain. I shouldn't drag people in this, is what I thought. A light tap and I called on his name. "Gabi na, uwi na tayo, may pasok ka pa mamaya." He didn't do much but stir in his spot. "2 hours pa, I asked the crew pwede daw matulog dito. Ibinabawi lang natin yung ipinambayad natin sa kape mo, ang mahal eh"  Despite of me, I laughed, low toned and rumbling. I wanted to cry as well too, but didn't, it'll just look odd. I lie down again and coaxed sleep back it was easier than I expected.  At around 2 am, I woke up to a couple of customers looking on at us, they are by the stairs, a couple of feet from our cubicle, looking weirded out by the half drank drinks on the table and these two people sleeping here. Embarrassed, I sat up quickly and collected my things. 30 minutes later, a server came to collect the utensils and asked for any last orders because they close up at 3. "None, I said, "uhhhm...sorry if we slept." She smiled, "Okay lang Ma'am, some people come here to sleep talaga or to cry, the privacy of these cubicles are limited but we encourage you to be at home within the cafe, we'll try to make it comfortable for you." Finally tears came. I've been holding it in for so long that the relief was incomprehensible at first. The wonderboy woke up because of the sobs, the look of his eyes has a mix of surprise and interrupted sleep, after the realization came he just let me cry. And I cried and cried some more that I could hardly speak. 

In the cab on the way to my house, he squeezed my hand. "Slept well?" he asked with so much tenderness, "You'll make a good doctor, dear."  He smiled with the answer and grew quiet. 

Before closing the cab door, I looked back to him, "I was late, wasn't I? With what happened, I blew my chances, right?" He had a thoughtful look before answering, "You tried, I think that's what matters and that's more than most people who loved did in their own loving." I was relieved. And as I look on to his moving cab I thought once again. "I should keep more men like him" and ordered my feet to go home.