Hit Follow (Para kay Bernardo Bernardo na si Bernardo Carpio pala)

Ikaw,

2 taon na mula nang huli tayong umakyat ng bundok, nakita ko kanina sa facebook "On This Day" ko, paborito kang feature nun eh, grabe 2 yearsssss! Di ako makapaniwala, ang bilis ng mga taon, parang di naman din kasi I think last month lang nag-dra-drama pa rin ako over a memory of you, haha. Oh wells.

Yes, your Ukes. Picture taken without permission. Go ahead sue me, tapos babalikan kita ng demanda dun sa 500 na utang mo sa akin at sa 500 na di mo rin ibinalik nung nag-Baguio tayo at para sa damages ng puso kong wasak for the last 2 years. Siraulo ka. Ay di, joke lang, supposedly positive post to eh. Hahaha. 

Ano bang ipapangalan ko saiyo dito? Kasi, though I doubt that you really read/follow my blogs eh for consistency purposes na rin kailangang may pangalan (For the longest time, I am so paranoid in writing about you because of that cryptic last text you sent me then, "Don't write about me (or was it Stop writing about me? Oh I forget), feel na feel ko na sinusundan mo to. Tarakya ka!) . And yep you have your own tag here dude, don't you feel privileged? Nanay ko nga walang sariling tag dito. Look for stories about you, written for you and remembered because of you under #Him. So yeah, hello you. Hmmm. I shall call you Bernardo Bernardo, kasi sa bundok sya matatagpuan di ba, eh lagi kang nasa bundok? Gusto sana kitang tawaging Bugsy kasi di ba halaw sa isang insekto na children's rhyme ang pet name ko saiyo, lalo na pag naglalambing? Haha kaso baka isipin mo patay na patay pa rin ako saiyo (pwedeng onting hang-up na lang Kuya?) kaya wag na lang. Bernardo Bernardo. Okay, Bernardo Bernardo, Bern Bern, Be, BB, hahaha kumusta ka? Ako sakto lang, eto nasasaktan, seryoso. Sa sobrang di ako okay ngayon pinuntahan ko ang facebook page mo after 1 year 8 months and 26 days of unfollowing you. I was thinking, man maybe if I feel more pain as compared to this pain I  feel now then I'll feel better and yes Bernardo Bernardo a mere sight of a post of yours on facebook can reduce me to a sobbing heap of pathetic, kaya naman I unfollowed you. So there I was this morning, reeling from the horribleness that is my yesterday (May 16, 2016) and thought if I am in a much greater pain then maybe I'll feel better eventually so I looked into your profile, and horrors of horrors, I don't feel a thing (hindi na to yung mga BS na post ko nun about moving on kunyari saiyo, kasi I realized I'll never do, a part of me will always treasure what we had so may mga times talaga na mapapangiti at mapapaiyak pa rin ako ng ala-ala mo, yes! Growth! Mature-sounding!), okay exag yung not feel a thing, I actually smiled when I saw your smile sa profile mo. It is still the same goofy, all teeth, chinky eyed smile. Noong mahal na mahal pa kita, naisip ko na meant to be tayo kasi magkaparehas yung candid smiles natin, nagiging magka-mukha tayo. Grabe no? Parang wala akong utak, naisip ko yun. Anyway, so ayun nga, bumulaga sa akin si smile and I said "Hi smile!" (Remember how I used to do that? Like I'll go 'Hi apartment' or 'Hi Stranger (your black Uke) when I go to your place?) at naging nostalgic ako, please note nostalgic, hindi PENSIVE (vocab lessons ng mga students ko kanina). It was pleasant. I checked on the things that you 'share' and realized na parehas tayong maka-Digong (tama ba? Nice) at may mga stuff tayo na parehas na nilagay sa profiles natin. Namayat ka, umaakyat pa rin ng bundok, nagtuturo pa rin sa Laguna at nagka-girlfriend (ay wow medyo makati yung peklat sa puso ko, wait lang, chos). How different our lives now Bernardo Bernardo and I sort of miss the person that you are, late nang nagbalik sa akin yung mental picture ko of us, afternoon in front of a laptop watching a Wong Kar Wai Film (2046 ata yun) snacking on popcorns and you put your hand on my shoulder and I leaned in closer, tapos di na sya masyadong overwhelming, very light na lang. 

I thought of the days that I felt this horrible sadness within me na di ako makagalaw, how even my fingertips hurt and how at the sound of your name I cry for hours and hours. I seek friends (and thank you pala dito, I have now one of my treasured people because of my heartbreak with you. I consider her a confidante, buti na lang nagcurious ako sa kanya dahil saiyo kundi di kami friends ngayon. Hello Daffodil) and some unworthy companions just to tone down a bit the pain, kasi seryoso ang sakit talaga. Tapos remember, you came back October of the same year? That still messes me up, why do people come back after leaving you hurting and then decide to leave you again, uutangan ka pa (Oo, bayaran mo yung 500 ko, wala akong trabaho ngayon), kulang pa ba yung torture nila? Why do the likes of you still hover around, dahil ba masayang makitang nanlalaban pa ang  mga tulad ko dun sa sakit at hirap na ipinadanas nyo? Oh wait, di na ako maasim dito, pointing out lang. Hahaha. 

Nakita ko ang larawan ng babaeng mahal mo ngayon and sure enough ang ganda nya. I like that you openly tell her you love her, that's great, openness, you didn't afford me that, siguro kasi di mo ako minahal, okay na yun no worries. And she seemed nice rin and patient, imagine you guys are still together? So ayun, binasa ko yung Valentine greeting mo sa kanya, ang sarap basahin BB, bukal sa loob mo eh, alam kong di ka napilitan. 

So wala namang masyadong nangyari noong nasa page mo ako, there's just this realization that it is really over now. That I am really okay now when it comes to you. Pagbigyan mo na lang yung mga pakudlit kudlit kong pag-dra-drama on facebook about you ah, I always believed that we still love the people we love because we give a portion of our hearts to them. Before I left your profile, I hit FOLLOW, kasi it's about time, saka kenkoy ka naman talaga. Sana maging friends ulit tayo pero no more madilim na kuwarto ah, dun nag-umpisa lahat eh (chos!) 

I went there to wallow in more misery and pain, and I came out feeling a bit lighter because I managed to finally put to rest a heartbreak I cultivated for years. I remember that prayer I had then when I was still loving you, "May You, Lord, keep us growing and happy and alive. And if You deem that this is not for me, please send in help, I may need a while to get over it", He took His precious time with me dear, but everything's okay now (well not okay, okay per se, kasi nga eto na naman at nasasaktan ako for someone else, amazing, pero alam mo yun at least sa tayo part eh solb na ako), we are okay now. Reach out to me naman, nakakahiya kasi sa nobya mo kung ako ang makikipag-friends, I missed the boy that sat next to me one August afternoon in a covered court for an English Comprehension competition eh, we were awesome as friends, sana matuloy, naudlot eh. 

Lastly, a story about you, for you and borne because of you. About 2 weeks ago, my friends and I went to Batangas, camped on a beach side and sat under a star filled sky. I remembered how like me you don't swim and that you prefer the mountains even though you are scared of heights. You said that having your feet on the ground makes you feel safe and calm, this is so different from my attraction to the sea. I sat there, sands between my toes, smelling like salt and sweat and dreams, and I thought how it would be like if you were sitting next to me. I would have probably told you about the new him. And how he is invading the walls I strategically placed to keep me safe. You would have an answer, silly at first but eventually an answer. You'll tell me that I'll figure it out, in time. These imaginings made me smile. It's nice to think fondly of you, it took me a while but I'm here now. So thanks for the memories. D is better now. 

Pahabol, inaasar pa rin ako ng mga kaibigan ko sa tuwing nagpupunta kaming Maginhawa, kasi nga sobrang associated yung place na yun sa iyo. Pati Buko Pie at Baguio at bundok (eh nagha-hike pa man din ako mag-isa). Nag-umpisa akong mag-perform ng  tula dahil at para saiyo, nagyakap rin kami ni Juan Miguel Severo dahil dun (it was an awesome poem, if I may say so, kinilig rin akong bahagya). I would like to discuss Game of Thrones fan theories with you and cook with you (yung di romantic set up ah, yung aalipinin mo ako sa kusina ganun). Invite mo ako ulit daliii, same cellphone number, text me. 

Ingat ka Bernardo Bernardo, ayos na tayong dalawa. Sa wakas. :)

-Maria Ligaya (chos!)

PS.
Bernardo Bernardo is actually Bernardo Carpio, sorry na. Walang tulog eh.