Dear *Joseph

March 17, 2016

Thursday

Quezon City

Dear *Joseph, 

I realized I haven't written to you in 6 years, 3 months and 9 days. This realization came after that weird dream during my nap after my lunch break at Mama's. Halos isang dekada na tayong magkakilala, at ang weird weird mo pa rin, kahit panaginip lang yun. 

I know you are going to ask about the dream, so I'll tell you about it. It was like a reenactment of the first day we met. It was raining and I found myself entering what feels like the Quezon City Public Library, only it's not the QCPL by how it looks like but I can swear to you that it feels a lot like the place. So anyway, like I said it seems like the very first day I met you. I entered the library and it was jammed pack. I went straight to my usual seat very near the free-use-of-computer laboratory and you were there. Parang di pa ako nagulat, as if I was expecting to see you there. You have this lazy look, like you want to sleep or something and then when I finally arrived at the table, you were holding my diary. This is the same diary you read back then, the one from the 2000s and you were upset. Ang weird isulat nito, ang odd ng bawat detalye. Anyway when I approached you, you were in the middle of reading and then you looked up and then you said, "You never wrote about me," which is true. My reaction was very dismissive, parang "Meh, magagawa ko?" And then you said something that I couldn't remember and I was laughing. So weird. And I sat down and you were very upset and started telling me things. I couldn't remember details about your face and what exactly you were talking about, I just knew I was talking and looking at you. And then I started feeling sad so I bowed down my head and I started to cry, and then you said something like "mas magaling kang storyteller kaysa narrator," tapos mas naiyak ako (btw, that statement didn't make any sense). Hahahaha, I forgot the other details already. Distortion is not a very good defense mechanism, or is it too good because it's effective? Tapos dumating daw si Mama sa labas ng library at tinatawag ako. And then I woke up because Mama was saying na it's time for me to go back to my office. The dream ended like that and it left me sad. 

As I was walking along E.Rodriguez, I contemplated on contacting your best friend but decided against it. We haven't talked in a while na rin at sigurado akong di matutuwa ang asawa nya na may babaeng mag-lo-long distance call sa kanya mula sa Pilipinas. I wasn't too keen hearing about his married life and his wife's French-Canadian accent as well. So the next best solution for the situation I found myself in is to take a detour to the nearest Mini Stop and buy some of their chocolate sundaes. Now, I am buzzing with sugar rush.

Ang dami kong gustong i-kuwento at isumbong saiyo, unang-una siguro ay kung gaano ako nangungulila. I want to tell you about what they did to that perfect wedding dress in that bridal shop in Serendra and how I still get lost in Taguig. Gusto kong magpasama ulit mag-ukay ukay and just laugh at you whenever you pull this look that says "I'm not walking with you if you're gonna wear that". I wanted to tell you when he got married and how miserable I felt and how I sometimes imagine that there must be a kid with a French-Canadian accent walking around with its tiny little feet somewhere in Vancouver. I wanted to tell you why I didn't cry at my father's funeral, and we'll figure out why I still haven't. And I'll explain myself to you with all the changes, even though I really hate that. I'll tell you about one April night back in 2014, when I found myself under the Los Baños sky and it was filled with stars and I was leaning unto someone and I began believing again that that ain't so bad. And then I'll finally tell you about that night with my orgmates and someone from the group knows how to read palms and tell you about your future. I'll finally reveal to you that she said 3 things and though I was laughing with my garlicky breath courtesy of the unlimited lugaw, I didn't believe her until now. She said that I'll have lots of different jobs, sometimes all at the same time. She also said my first love will die and that I'll meet so many men but there will always be that one. I sure hope that that one is not the same as first love, because then I'm in trouble, right? 

I am closing my eyes and I am trying to continue the dream in my conscious state, willing it to just manifest again but Dr. Freud and Dr. Jung knew that that's not happening.

I am no longer sad, it was just a dream. My subconscious likes to flirt with my consciousness by making out with my unconsciousness and then manifesting something evil in my dreams, it happens. I imagined that if I'll dream about you, you'll look more like a glorified being, isn't it how the Bible described it to be. You'll be all sparkly and translucent and beautiful, but not like the twilight kind of way (errr, I hated that book just so you know). I got more than 7 years worth of useless stories and trivia that I wanted to share but I can't because it's just not possible. You are probably busy worshiping the Lord and enjoying glory with him. I am sorry for asking you back, namimiss lang kita. 

W.H. Auden's Funeral Blues still makes me cry, I mean that's to be expected right? After all it's a poem about a funeral for crying out loud. I heard that he read it on that last night and he was waiting for me, patawad kung di ako pumunta. 

-D