8th of 11: A Pang of Something

To be honest the whole idea of the "X of 11" is to document the 10 days leading to my birthday and to establish an actual record of what I am doing on those days. Currently it's either super boring or depressingly dark, and when I try something else it doesn't make much sense to me. Hahaha, I don't know why I do these things anyway. Meh, for internet existence! Here goes another one.

       I remember last April, after I received what turned out to be a group message from the guy that I liked from the previous year and told another friend about it, that I came to a decision that by my turning 26 this year something ought to change, that he is not supposed to affect and rattle me anymore. And then July came and I found out that he has a girlfriend now, I did the whole crying thing and even went on stage on an Open Mic Poetry Night to perform and spill all the pain, and somehow it helped. Not that I am totally over him, there's still that pang of something, but that's just it, a pang. I think of him less and less these days and I no longer associate the things that I did, ate, talked about, visited places and the sort with him to him alone. I managed to give myself closure and somehow made sense with what happened, that it just didn't work out and I am not really cut out for the casual fling thing. 

     I used to question myself all the time about the moving on. Like if I am not thinking about him, I ask myself "Are you really not thinking about him or are you trying not to think about him and it's working?" I doubt my own motive and my pace and the sincerity of the moving on. I was so critical of myself. I felt that if I didn't do that, I will be still stuck in limbo and to other people that's the same as still hoping for him. I hate hearing people say that, that I can't still accept the fact that it didn't work out and that I am waiting, still waiting for him. The whole reality of it is that I am moving on and I am dealing with it on my own pace but somehow to other people, moving on completely equates to liking someone else right away, that's never the case with me. I wasn't pressured into liking someone else, anyone else for that matter. Liking him was actually a surprise, I didn't know that I'll be able to find someone who will excite me the way he did and-, okay let's end it with that.

    So a part of this year's birthday celebration is a testimony that I am okay and that I will be better than okay. And a time will finally come that hearing myself say that out loud wouldn't result to smirks and raised eyebrows and that I will sound confident saying it as well. 

3 more days!!