Winter Blues

I don't really understand winter and the people that like this season. It's grey and cold and sad. You can't really go out and if you do decide to step out of the house, you come out all bundled up and still feel cold.

End

The end came.

Third

I woke up at 1:42 am. This is the 6th time this month. I'm not really a fan of waking up in the middle of the night, it's wasted opportunities to rest and escape. I checked my phone to see if there are unread messages. Your name was first on the list, 3 messages were waiting for me. I typed in my reply and apparently you are still awake. We engaged in conversation. At a little past 2 am, we said good night to each other the 2nd time that evening.

I stared at this page for a good 1 hour, trying to conjure something that would make sense. I couldn't find anything. Paano ba pababalatan ng mga katanggap-tanggap na salita ang katotohanang wala ring nangyari sa ating dalawa.

Itutulog ko na lang ulit ito.

11th of 11

I am amazed at how this day turned out!

10th of 11: How I Want It

    I did mention that I had an idea or two on how to spend this year's celebration of my birthday. It required stamina and quite an amount of money as I was planning of spending it with friends. Here's the rough supposed 'to-do' list:

1. Have my hair dyed a striking color blue and pink (Didn't get to do that exactly, had it with a lighter hue though)

9th of 11: Glimmer

    

     Arrangements have been made and it looks like I am indeed going to move out of our house. Almost 26 years and I am sure as hell am not prepared for it.To stay at home is enjoy the conveniences of life, however if I do really need to change something, anything I must do something different first. My youngest brother is apathetic about it. He will be moving with me and this is so much about him than about me, while our father is against it, there are other ways he said. I don't want to risk it before it's too late. So yeah, in the last couple of days I was staying at friends' houses and exploiting their kindness. It's overwhelming. 

8th of 11: A Pang of Something

To be honest the whole idea of the "X of 11" is to document the 10 days leading to my birthday and to establish an actual record of what I am doing on those days. Currently it's either super boring or depressingly dark, and when I try something else it doesn't make much sense to me. Hahaha, I don't know why I do these things anyway. Meh, for internet existence! Here goes another one.

7th of 11: The Need for Friends

     If there is something, anything that the Lord made sure during this weekend's unraveling is that He made sure I didn't feel alone, even while the little plans that I have set ahead are all crumbling before my eyes, He made real sure that I didn't feel and wasn't left alone. He made His presence so felt that I get teary just by revisiting the experience. He reinforced it by sending friends.

     Salamat guys, di ko kayo maisa-isa pero I think I managed to keep my sanity in tact because of you. If you are ever feeling down and bad about yourself please know that you helped in lifting my spirits up (and I hope you realize what a big of a deal that is) and if you are looking for anything that will brighten your day, this is it. Thank you, sobra. Now let's move our butts and brave through this week. 

4th, 5th and 6th of 11: Helluva Happenings

My weekends have the tendency to shift its moods erratically like a heavily charged isotopes. And that's exactly what happened with this last one.

3rd of 11: Palengke Stories

I can sense that this project is slowly turning into an anthology of my job seeking exploits that are not ending well. I am jeopardizing the tone of the entire thing because I am slowly burying myself in the funk. So today, let me try something to change it a bit.

Noong bata pa ako, lagi akong fail sa pamamalengke. Ewan ko ba kung bakit basta laging fail, basta fail sya. Bale, 7 years old pa lang ako at 6 yung sumunod sa akin ay inuutusan na kami ni Ina sa kung saan-saan. Sa pamamalengke ako madalas pumapalpak.

2nd of 11: Mundane is Constant

tag-lish post coming to you in a moment, nawa'y di kayo masuka sa pagkairita. :)

     My scheduled job interview today brought me back to the Ortigas-Mandaluyong area. At muli kong natagpuan ang sarili kong nakaupo sa isang regular bus mula sa Cubao at tinitiis ang bigat ng traffic. It's the kind where you fall asleep on one spot and you wake up a good 10 minutes later, having moved for about a meter only (or even less), basta nakakairita. Ipinaalala muli sa akin ng biyaheng iyon kung bakit di naging mahirap sa akin ang magresign mula sa dati kong trabaho sa Ortigas, nakakaubos na ng lakas ang biyahe papuntang trabaho tapos kalahi pa ni Satanas ang ugali ng mga maaabutan mo sa opisina (my better judgement is trying to tell me not to add that  part, but one must make some really bad choices sometimes, may it be a collection of words turn into a phrase, right?) Alas-nuebe ang scheduled interview ko, pero halos 9:30 na ay nasa Cubao pa rin kami. Wala halos usad, masaklap. I was actually scared na baka bumalik yung mga INC kaya ganoon na lang bagal ng galaw ng mga sasakyan (oo medyo iritable ako sa isyu na yan dahil naroon ako ng mga panahong nagpapakitang gilas ang kultong yun, pipigilin ko na ang sarili ko dito baka ano pa ang madagdag ko). Iniisip ko pa yung lalaking katabi ko sa bus, panay ang sipat sa akin/sa dibdib ko, medyo nailang pa ako kasi baka kako ang revealing ng damit ko gayong I took great care in choosing my attire for this interview, red nga lang yung bra ko, dahil kaya dun yun? Hmmm.

1st of 11: Bring it On!

Like last year I am taking it upon myself to write everyday from the 1st till the 11th of September. I've been very lazy despite of my resolve at the beginning of the year to exercise writing constantly and actually posting it, cause I have to keep appearance with my internet existence and then some other superficial reason like that. 

     So I started September with a great task upon me, I am looking for a job. This is unusual. I've never been jobless on my birthday month and to add pressure to the entire matter, my savings is dwindling down, so it's needless to point out that there seemed to be an imaginary timer up on my head upon starting this month. There are bills to pay, brother's tuition to worry about, dad's medication to maintain and books to buy but never read. Reality is hard. (Lol, I went a little dark there for a moment).

This Time Last Year I Couldn't Sleep Beside You

(Intended date of Publication: April 18, 2015, but life took over)

So I traveled to get to you, it was late and we are both tired.  What made me smile was the fact that you waited for me.
I lay on bed next to you for the first time, and I am fully awake. I am too aware of your breathing and the every beat of your heart.
At the crack of dawn, you hands found me. The right hand on my shoulders, enveloping me and trying to coax slumber to arrive, while your left hand was on my hair, petting me like a cat. I am a picture of contentment.
In less than 24 hours the next day I tasted your lips on mine. Your lips is a fountain I wanted to drown myself into.
I miss you today. I miss you most days actually, but today I will be saying it out loud, and so my dear let me write about you

On the 29th of March

I opened my eyes on this day to my father rustling through my wallet and only to find out that I am 300 bucks short. In less than 5 minutes my day is ruined without me doing anything yet. He must need that high so badly for his eyes are almost bulging out and his hands are trembling. He smelled really bad, almost dead like. I jumped out of bed and started screaming. 2 hours later no money was recovered and I am exhausted and really upset.

This day wasn't supposed to start that way, but things got out of hand and I can only do so much in keeping everything together. My juggling prowess is not kicking in, so I guess I just have to see how things will go. 

Taken Aback

As the new dawn settles in, there was a commotion in my neighborhood.
People may be hostile around here but they whisper and tiptoe around the slumbering.
Not this morning.
A heavy feeling in the air can be felt and breaths were held.

Giveaway

Sa mga mandurukot na tila pinag-iinitan ang back pocket ng bag ko, salamat po. Salamat at binigyan nyo ako ng pribilehiyong magbigay ng -cord ng charger, at least napalitan ko na yang defective na cord na yan; ng colored pencils, uh 3 years na sa akin halos yan so I guess dapat ko nang palitan, saka nakaipit sa likod nyan yung confiscated stash ng kapatid ko, kayo na po ang magdispatsya, enjoy; tissue and baby powder, di ko feel yung scent, pang-original johnsons talaga ako; and very recently yung suklay ko, sabagay feel ko ang kulot kong buhok, so thanks for the opportunity para mailugay ko sya. Pagpalain nawa kayo.

Greetings

CONVERSATION:

*spit balling for lack of something to do*

A: I've noticed that you are quite close to male gender, any reason to that?

B: I dunno, I'm straight, so isn't that quite natural?

Alive

Christmas 2014

I suppose that this is actually us coming full circle.

I sat across from the boy that I loved for 3 chaotic years. This time around, I am really smiling.

“Loved.”  Very few people understand the victory of claiming feelings in the past tense.

A Quote for the New Year

“I didn’t want to kiss you goodbye — that was the trouble — I wanted to kiss you good night — and there’s a lot of difference.”

—	Ernest Hemingway